arrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhh pst!

mess a mess is a total mess. I want to get organized and continue with my usual life.

20 hours journey including transit time I am back in swiss again. To all my friends sorry for not informing about my arrival and departure. Well this time I am back here with more stress I feel. I have to catch up 2 weeks of lesson missed and the tests are coming up this week. Damnnn, this year werent a gd year I suppose. I am still worried about my family. Those who are sick and arent sick. I hate to say, I cant live freely, I felt there is a persistence burden drowning me down. lets see how this week goes, I created distance as distance. It was blue, white and bright pink. I wonder if we are dating.

(- _ - )'''

i dun really like the feeling of being in love, though we are already together. hope we will last.....................................................................................................................................................

quelquefois

sometimes I juz wanted to live alone, life will be much better without any responsibilities, expectations and loves. I wanted to say that I am tired of taking care of myself and at the same time worrying for others. Nothing is more depressing than worrying about someone you love, care and treasure the most. I cant believe my life without hers cause I know I owe her my life.

test test test

I have expectation for myself and others. I find it hard to keep up with them.

a sudden stagnation engulfs

I m back to the state of art making. I was bored today, and I was lazy to start studying for my tests. I took a pencil, searched for the right picture and started drawing. When it was completed, I m fairly satisfied.

best treat for new year

goin to zurich tml, sanjay, sophia, me, amy and gipt. we are renting a car to drive north east from sierre. I m excited!

I think I lost you as I go along I lost myself. I am frustrated, frustrated as this goes on and on.

snow snow and snow

The weather is really bad, I mean, even in my room I can feel the freeze coming through the closed window pane of mine. Yesterday, I went to shopping trip to lausanne with gip and noon. I like lausanne, and shopping at Zara is definitely awesome. I bought a bag though I already have 3. hmmm....I really dont know wad I am doing, probably the sales make me go crazy. I dont know why, recently I m fond of buying neck ties and shoes. I should have felt guilty, but well I think I need those stuffs to pamper myself to make my life happier. It was really sweet, yeahh I dont want to gain weight, but it seems like I m putting on more weight without me realising it. 2 more weeks and various tests will be comin up, it is time to wake up and studyhard. I do hope so. well I dont miss anyone more than myself.

So one moment I was thinking of another thing and another moment I am back here...in front of my laptop screen reflecting wad should I post in my blog. This would be my first 08 blog of the year...yeahhh I m back in bluche and the life in bluche hasnt changed much. hmmm, another half a year or probably another year for me to be back in indo again. The feeling of being at home is simply fantastic and heart warming, yet yet, I have something to complain bout. In bluche, I live on my own, I lead my own life as if my life belongs only to myself, sometimes I do peek into others life and begin to interfere into things that i shouldnt. How stupid izzit? haizzz... in indo is another different matter, I stayed at home almost every single day, I was so tired of caring or looking too much into my family. Family matters, well I cant deny the fact tat it can be quite tiring if it matters tat much. hmmm... probably it is true, as people gets older they tend to prefer and even requests for their rightful freedom, the freedom to be alone would be one. Being alone may appear to others as pathetic, but at one point of time it is an act of honour, I admire those who really can stand alone despite the crowds sorrounding them.


I think I m amazing, I actually arranged all the flowers that decorate our restaurant, I spent almost a week arranging flowers, I swear I would not like being a florist, it was really tiring, to an extent tat i almost fall sick...hey hey, another thing tat might be quite an achievement for me is tat i have gotten two more artwork framed and hanged in our restaurant. One of it titled windows of despair.

life makes life harder

I have strong personality, I believe whatever I do is right. I hate to obey others even my parents. Tomorrow I will be going back to spore, I feel happy do I? well, not as anxious as 2 or 3 weeks ago. Internship is over, hell yeah is over!!! My mum was telling me to go back straight home on saturday morning when I arrived on friday night. It means I wouldnt have the time to meet up with some of my friends in spore. Everything doesnt go as it was planned. Damn.. I m really seriously tired, despite the fact that there is no more physical burden waiting for me. I m tired, tired of leading my life. I need some time to be alone, so probably going back to indonesia straight will be the best choice. Still I am swearing non stop...... I went back to school this morning and it was indeed a hell freaking tiring journey, see i can even here my roommate snooring, he doesnt do so often. Maru is sincere of sending me to the airport tomorrow, but seriously I prefer to go alone. I said goodbye to many others I met in La Reserve. I will miss all my teammates even though they once pissed me off. I will miss Agustian for bein lik an elder brother who never stops nagging at whatever I do, despite I still think I did a better job than he does. And I will miss leon who always grumbled at me and saying ' your face like shit!!!' all time, he is probably beacoming one of my best friend, well the f n b manager thinks otherwise. I will miss Sam for being my descendent who always tolerate my nonsense and abiding my instructions and finally I will miss all my chef de rangs. Simon for being rather gay and sweet, virginie-being the kindest woman I ever meet in life, Carine for calling me apricot, Romaric- my imaginary father, he calls me my son, christophe- being the funniest among the waiters who claimed that we are his only friends, mr vincent- my manager, who laughs at me for being two hours late due to over napping, jean luke- my '' best friend " at work, Sylvain- his young at heart never fails to bring smiles for me and many many more which i couldnt think of for the moment. Good bye to La Reserve and good bye to my last night and last post on my blog from switzerland and good bye to Geneva, a place which I dont intend to stay any longer haha. Now I am feeling sliughtly better. Like a friend once told me, internship life is a cup of coffee, rather I would say is more like a cup of expresso,I prefer expresso. Shortly and strongly brewed which bring a little bit of bitterness. It is time for me to enjoy the cup of expresso that I had made for myself. Likewise, it is always the perfect moment to be away from reality, moving against the direction of the train, looking at the outside scenery, light-heartedly thinking about what I should do as an art- the art of life.

happy belated bdae!!!

benny, I do hope that you are reading my blog. I juz came back from work and I realised that your Bdae has juz passed bout half an hour agao swiss time. Well, hope u will enjoy the outing with janvin and shengde. By the way, long time I have not heard from you, so hope that you are still doing your best in army while I m struggling hard to complete my internship. Sorry, no gift this year haha. hey, will I receive any belated bdae present from you?? anyway I dun remember you sending me any bdae msg?! do you?? haha well, is your bdae, I hope you will have never ending happiness, juz lik our friendship haha=) cya soon, miss you! haizzzz... I think You might not get as many present as last year haha since I m not around=P

third october

well I have not been updating my blog for more than a month. Whatever the reasons are. hm... I have 2 months more to complete my internship at la reserve, well I cannot imagine myself udertaking all the stupid tasks. stupid as it seems maybe I have learned more than becoming more stupid. In workplace I meet two very good friends who are also struggling like me to finish our internship in a 5 star honourable hotel in geneva. 5 star with a 1 star service as what we would always argue. But the fact is the name La reserve still regarded as one of the best leading hotels of the world and being member of design hotels added its attractiveness. The management system adopted by this hotel doubts me right from the start but as time passed, I realised that the few managers have actually done their best to uphold the hotel reputation as one of the best hotels in geneve. Studying hotel management is easy but to run a hotel itself is crazy. Managing and leading people is still the most difficult task to achieve. Right now, I am in deep thought of how successful one can be as a good motivator. Reducing inconsistency in a hotel environment is probably the best goal that hotels should aim for, be it a small or large chain. oh I miss going back to school attending hospitality classes.

updating!

yesterday night i was back in montana with lj. I was so afraid tat I couldnt slp well and would not hav enough rest. In fact, yes.... I went to bed at around 2 plus yet finding myself awake still at bout 6. wad the hell.......I was thinking, probably I slept more than 12 hours the night before. I m back in geneva again....and have to go back to work tml. huh...how shitty life can be. Each morning I hav to dread myself out of my bed.....and drag my feet to work. Physically and emotionally tiring. There is not much sense of satisfaction only until the night when i told myslelf that another day has passed. Life of a runner is indeed a struggle....a struggle that i promise not to repeat it again. I have to be strong and tell myself that there is only 3 more months to go....3 more months!!!!! hope I would survive through the end. The job bores me day to day. Talking to best friends online is still the sweetest moment I treasured. I hate to get sick so please let me be healthy=(

time goes by

benny!!! I miss you man! haha really looking forward to seeing you and shop with you again. You are still the BEST=) jia you! I will be there for you anytime, not physically though hahaha.

oui chef!!!

I would like to say that the worst part of my life adapting to shit has passed. yay! and I think no matter how little the internship may have taught me professionally, at least I did learnt something valuable in life. Working is indeed a struggle, cest la vie.... I do remind myself that I work for myself and not supporting others...how about those who have to feed their family. a fucking routine that I detested so much at start...now I take it rather lightly cause there is indeed something worth looking forward too. Thanx to evelyn and others who have shown so much care the past few weeks...it was probably one of the worst experience, only till now, I feel to have the courage to call home and inform my parents bout my condition. Imiss my family and friends.

complicated

I told myself i can, yet I cant. I received a very sweet msg from amy, she told me that she is at the airport and reminded me that I can always talk to her whenever I need love. I really miss bluche now...so desperately...working is tired and full of shit. damnnn...juz because for the CV or I think I would really like to quit. One step by a step, there is always two side to a story. I dont really know how to express how I feel right now, I only wish to be numb and try to be positive at all times.REally stressful, but who is there to help. My life belongs to myself and friendship is juz like the icing on a cake. I miss someone so badly.........=( hope she is fine and enjoying herself.

melody wasnt in the photo, but she was there by the school pool, or maybe she was the one taking the photo haha. Saturday duty was really enjoyable...the food was so good...and the chef is our food knowledge teacher Mr. Bider. I think I would like to say that I really respect him alot. His cooking is so fantastic, and everyone agreed that we have the nicest meal ever at market place. Moreover, I think he is really passionate about his cooking, cause he will go around asking students how is the meal, etc. Despite, today i was scolded by him for taking my dessert with my main course on the same tray. Well, at least I have alot of fun in the pool. The damn water was so colddd......I went back to change so that i would have my service uniform to wear for the dinner duty. People at the pool! you all rox=) I think I will never ever learn how to swim.
hahaha

I really don't know how I feel right now. The day has been bad due to insomia last night. I was so bloody hell tired, plus the cleaning of chairs and tables in market place. Because of me, maru and ros are not on good terms. I see the need to feel guilty yet helpless at the same time. Having test again tomorrow, got to study...but I am so lazy right now. I think i prefer stoning and listening to music. Tomorrow will be a better day! will it?

market place

I was so tired recently that I was late for food knowledge class this morning. I was rushing like hell and even brought my toothbrush and toothpaste to school. Tomorrow will be the food knowledge test...wasnt really prepared, hope everything will be fine. After tomorrow maybe I will be more relaxed and yes, can sleep slightly more. Have been staying in media centre these few days. I just dun feel like goin back to my room. Yesterday a la carte dinner with seho, jeff and hazel was quite pleasant. Oh ya nancy and melody were there too. Today market place was great, especially our team...we got 99 for table set up haha. The teacher was happily surprised, that was what he said. I wanted to start an art work themed house by the sea...but it seems a little too late now....still I wished I could complete the art work at least before year end. I really dun want to put art aside cause i know my years of studyin art will be wasted.

friendship a curse

Another worst day and a day not too good to remember. Fucking goodbye to this friend i knew for 5 months or so. Specifically is my roommate. Being too nice to a person is also a mistake. I really dun know wad should i do. In fact, I really do not need to do anything anymore. I m juz tired, tired from the complicated realations between ppl. Familiarity indeed breeds comtempt. I hate to say that I wouldnt want to be close to anyone again. Maybe is time for me to hackcare or even not to care. Fuck it...life sux but its life. It is definitely hard to erase anyone from our memory, but well it is not really my 1st time. I bet i really need to be more careful in future.

search you bloody conscience

I would really like to vent my anger on a particular person. Shouldnt hav pitied him in the first place. let his fucking problem troubles him. If he doesnt seek for forgiveness so be it. I dun wish to know him in the 1st place and fucking I know that I hav to face him everyday. In this kind of shitty condition he better beware. Cause he isnt the only one with temper and I dun wish to be friend or even share a room with someone full of crap and nonsense. Ungrateful ass, I would really wanna say that I hate you more than anyone else and it is time for me to take back my sympathy and do continue with ur fucking hell life. Who cares? at least i dun anymore.

only if u could

Accept finite disappointment but never lose infinite hope. I was indeed grateful to someone who could actually read how i felt. Even me myself wasnt aware that how bad the day was for me. hm...tired again, probably because of working in the market place. Well i believe that i m strong hah, despite the fact that i always put myself in a deep shit. There is no point seeking for goodness, if life meant it to be that way. Maybe is time to let go, live and forget.

your presence might mean nothin to you, but it means alot to others, especially me!

huhh.........

I hate the weather! It seems I will be falling sick anytime.I have been so temperamental recently, especially to someone. Yes, probably that person should stay away from me. My life keep turning as if it cant find the right momentum. things do change for the better. here, I only have a wish- may everyone around me stay happy and cheerful. Time to go to slp i guess. gd nite=)

I am just lazy these days to move anywhere except for my room. Working in market place was rather pleasant. At least there is something to keep me busy with. Even staying in the room the most enjoyable moment would probably be sleeping. I want and choose to be alone. Hope things will go on fine for the next 3 or 4 weeks.

it has been close to a week since we never talk. So screwed and pissed at the same time. I hate to experience such situation. Tense, hell and shit. I just hope that all this crap will end quite soon. Though, a strong doubt that it will happen. There goes our friendship......saddened, but there is nothing much i can do. Tired!

S6, my class in les roches. we booked 6 tableS at our school a la carte restaurant. The dinner was accompanied by photo taking sessions haha, that was weeks ago. Well, actually I think I am blessed with my classmates wasnt like the bastards and bitches that I met. yeahh so, i would like to say that I enjoy being in S6 and I will definitely miss the fun company of my classmates. 9 more weeks to go and I will be working.

In red ferrari suit

mid term break has just passed. It has been a week, a week of very free time and slacking. My visits to geneva were indeed pleasant. I got to know new friend, he resembles one of my friends. what on earth...from sinapore to geneva?! yes...people are weird... we believe to be unique but I see category. At last, I do not need to worry about looking for internships and lodging. Another 8 weeks I will be out of bluche. I love Geneva for its nice scenery and bustling activities. unlike bluche...a small village that has no life...maybe not. Staying here for 3 months can be a great achievement..yeahh to me at least haha. I like crowds...crowds among people, so I guess that is why i prefer big cities. Another great achievement, yesterday i spent like almost a day writing a research paper on singapore Integrated Resorts. huuuhhh... thank god everything is over. A painstaking experience for me to write 3500 words paper. Well, I completed it. My classmate mistaken me as Singaporean at times. Maybe because of the way I speak and also...yes, I projects to be very pro-Sing. Given the chance I would prefer to do any projects related to Singapore.....Raffles hotel for hospitality is taken away by other group. So my group is pleased to do the Peninsula from hongkong...Asian..there is something very extraordinary about us. My experience overseas say so.

mardi, au printemps

I was listening to music, learning some french and chatting with friends. yes, I enjoy multitasking. I received a call from La Reserve for an interview this saturday at 3 pm. Still wondering if they would speak to me in french. Then maybe i would just respond: je ne sais pas. haha.... I really enjoy my french lesson so far. Though basic but I feel that I have learnt alot. Thursday I will be having my second french test. I think mr 100 percent would not be doin as well, he is rather stressed!! Darn, bar and beverage test on friday. Frankly I dun think I would be able to get the same grade as before, unless I m really lucky. Nevertheless, I would try my best. J'aime mes amis!...I miss my friends in Singapore. Wondering wad each of them is doing now. Especially benny...I dun know if he survives in camp. Samuel started a blog, so at least i can keep track of him. And many others.......where have they gone.

snowman, snowman, snowman.....why do ppl make snowman....I am wondering if the winter season makes ppl feel lonelier than ever. I hate snow.....so I m really looking forward to spring. spring is here but there is still some snow since we are up the hill.

The photos were taken in the 1st few weeks I arrived in bluche....the snowman on the right is wearing my scarf that went missing in san nick's bar=( gishh...mid term break is coming. I have no plan of goin anywhere but to stay in my room. Tests and report is coming up....I m rather stressed!!

I like to 'stone' for some reasons. I dun feel like talking to anyone cause I decided that no one would ever understand how i feel. weird....maybe myself is a facade, I come here to understand people but often it leads to more misunderstanding. so how tired it can be. life has to go on...so I bet I would continue ...............

''memory is the traces of tears"

darnnnn...I m so home-sick. keep havin weird dreams in the middle of the nites. i watched 2046 today. rented from my skul library. it was a rather long movie...good artistic shots and actor but i dun really know the story. so disappointing. today was kind of the worst day i ever had. 65 for introduction to hospitality. i cant believe that fucking result came from me. shittt....i never knew for essays we had to underline the keywords...though it was part of the instructions. wad the hell. i wrote more points and more than anyone else but didnt score as well. that freak me out seriously. fuck fuck fuck. i begin to wonder if the teacher is having strong prejudice against other nationalities especially asians when come to writing. if that so...den fuck him off...he should get fired. seriously i dun exactly keen in much of his senseless teachings that has totally no sense of focus and direction. wadeva it is, lets see the second test. if it happens again i tink i might rather switch school...to a better one that deserves my stay and effort. actually i have been considering. les roches may have perfect environment for practicals but i have been thinking of tranfering out for my BA degree to EHL if possible. another sickening incident happened...i was told by the cdip that advised me to forget about working in a 5 star hotel. juz because of my basic french that dun get me anywher. sickkosssss i hate low grades! and i need better opportunities!

particularly i lik grey....grey the colour of nj and also les roches. in fact les roches do have red in its logo. today was another test day after 3 weeks. the written test was rather easy i thought. aiming to score hundred again but i found out that i had one question wrong. the practical was scary...i was darn nervous initially. Signigalia was watching us so closely, that i have to be really on guard. i respect mr signigalia alot as a teacher. he appears so pervertic and scary at first but after i realised that he can be the best teacher so far. we learnt alot about service and he provided us alot of interesting story bout his childhood. i was rather disappointed after the table set up....i couldnt ans most of his wine questions, only familiar in the menu section. almost every question he asked i was stunned, with no clue wad the hell he was asking. wine list is rather sick...mostly in french and italian. i lik service but i m much looking forward to my academics week. cheers on... i love bluche but i cant wait to have my management training in spore.

vingt-quatre

hey, i miss singapore!!! my A level results was out yesterday. i was talking to many ppl online. i was glad that many of my frens did well. cheers for benny he got a distinction for geo S paper. i am very satisfied with my results haha, and the greatest satisfaction comes when i can share it with my friends and family. yeahhh mr lee is proud of me of course hahaha. yeahh, econs did not disappoint me....art too. i ended my studies in art with a distinction, all thanx to mr lee and mr chia for his never ending support. huhhhhh...really misses everyone in singapore, i wish i could juz fly back to share the moment of joy and anxiousness everyone felt before collecting the result. i did not feel the same excitement that i had previously while collecting my O level results. perhaps, i had learned that excellent results do please me, but the process of achieving it is much more valuable than i thought previously.

merci beaucoup

today i was with the school trip to lausanne. i had the company of jia, LJ and ?! (shit i forgot tat girl name). The trip to OLympic museum wasnt as fun as i thought. The only pleasure to watch is its building and the structures around it. sports neve seem to interest me at all, but i will be going for my usual badminton game tml. shopping in Lausanne can be quite tiring...hills and slopes everywher in switzerland....goshh, i could hardly imagine if i would ever learn to drive here. after viewing so many shops, i tink i luv the shoes in Zara most,i promise myself to get one after i got my internship. i bought 3 scarves today at a very cheap price haha.....with cool design i suppose. and 2 belts, which i realised that i might hav been cheated. A la carte pract is over for me.....i was at st nicks again yesterday...ros was sweet enough to order a non alcoholic drink for me. it is the most enjoyable nite i ever had there. i met most of my classmates there. my german friend tinks that asians are crazy bec we are so high that we got on to the chair and dance. today dinner at the chinese restaurant was fantastic......simply yummy! free flow of drinks and rice for us=)
sometimes i wonder, i seem to be one of the luckiest person on earth...but i seem to be asking for more, things that attract me lose its appeal rather quickly, being here with a group of lovable friends and classmates wad could i ask for more...........!!!!

lunar

Yay tests are over and practical is coming up, but report and project is piling. I really need to buck up haha....and so something bout my report. and my cover letter if i m to apply for a prestigious hotel to work in. is chinese new year eve, i reject my friend's offer to join the chinese celebration in school, instead, me, ros and maruto went down to Sierre to eat our reunion dinner at the thai restaurant. den we went to explore the place and found Mc donalds! to hav sips of coke. Edward called me, if we could go down to lausanne to meet up...arghhhh but i m freaking broke now...with less than 200 swiss franc. still waiting for my dad to send me money. the celebration hasnt end...we are goin to party at st nicks tonite haha...this is the first time i would spend cny away from my family, in a foreign land....an unusual experience.

I snow

It was snowing rather heavily, i had to run back to my room to get my coat and wear my snowboots instead. I was late this morning! comtemplating if i should go for the tutorial....damn paiseh...I was the only person out of the 3 classes at the auditorium. Though I was like only 5 minutes late. It was cultural awareness.....it is a voluntary presentation by various students. At that moment of time, i was thinking that i should present something so as to show my presence in class. It was an eager attempt, I dont want to get hours deducted. Indonesian culture...haha I know nuts bout it...and I didnt prepare anything. fortunately I was smart enough hahaha... I present bout Chinese new year. sounds so stupid....but I thought It will be perfect for those angmos...yeahh It really worked well. I felt the interest from the audience.....so it was rather a worth try. nahhh...I think I learnt not to be afraid of crowds. Burning with Confidence!!!=0

I really hope to manage my time well and go for breakfast every morning.....and start studying! having 3 tests this week : bar and beverage, french and hospitality. haha wish me do well=)

I think I m homesick subconsciously...I cant really sleep well these few nites.

mon nom est apri

french lesson tomorrow, 2 period!!!!i have to revise what i learned on thursday. I only knew how to count from one to ten in french ahha. Today i spent my lunch at market place with two new ppl. One is korean and the other is taiwanese. They are my classmates but we havent gotten the chance to mingle with one another. ohh..tat gal know all the vulgarities in korean....she is superb, she told me she even know the iraq version, ahha. I have apple pie for dessert and some fruit salads, yum yum. The dessert in school is fantastic! i luv the tiramisu most. today, my roommate and i got chase out from the a la carte restaurant for the second time....arhhh the italian teacher, he chased out those who arrived there earlier, i dun really mind though, i prefer the free flow food at market place. Let me tell u, at a la carte we hav to be served in lik 1 hour to 2....for ppl lik me who often skips breakfast, u will starve bef u get the food. I m rather excited to hav my practical there, but wad i heard is that it will be quite stressful.2 more weeks to go...i will be wearing my service uniform, not the usual suit anymore. the dateline for my report and tests is coming up!! i think i really need to do some serious work, i m aiming for the best! dun really wanna lose to angmo haha, almost forgotten that i paid alot here. thanx to gloria.

i can't post any comment anymore...my friend was complaining that i left without informing her haha.. sorry tania..here my add
Ecole Les Roches
p/o box 5205
Bluche
3975 Randogne....do write to me ahha=), shit! i haven start writing any postcard yet.

bluche

hey i m in bluche now,a village rather far away from geneva.it is snowing juz a few days ago,the weather is exceptionally cold...huh,i m still having flu and slight cough.a few days ago my friends and i built snowmen haha...and we took photo with them, it was huge! we spent lik one hour plus, competing for the best snowman.i really luv to be part of the school. in les roches, everyone is friendly and easy going.it was pretty easy to find friends here.ppl from every part of the world came to les roches and we get along pretty well. i was fortunate to know two person from spore,it was at the airport.we become pretty close and Ros became my roommate eventually.For LJ, she must be quite frustrated at times,we lik to make fun of her name.today was the first lesson after one week of induction.i didn't sleep well last nite.3 cans of redbul and vodkca at st nicks...huh...i promise myself not to drink that much anymore.in the 1st week,is lik party week.every student here went to clubbing and some pubbing juz near our school compound.tml will be my first french lesson...really looking forward to it=) here, i really try my best to lose my singlish accent...it was bad,or no one will understand me haha...so funny.i look forward to my first internship, hopefully it will be in geneva at some high class restaurants or hotels,the i get to earn alot haha.everything is fine here...i really really would lik to thank my friends who were at the airport.thank you!! i will promise to see you all again haha...muachhhh:*

arghhh!!

wad the hell!! even my blog instruction turned french. i don't understand a single of it. shittttt, it took me awhile to learn how to post my blog.darn! the only return i hav is the coloured font. hm blogging seems to be the only conmmunication tool for me right now. everyone is asleep when i m online, so mav was saying i should continue to blog, to tell others bout my life. alright, bout the lessons i attended so far...mostly are pretty interesting but some suck to the core. effective writing class is not as effective as i thought...so sleepy zZz the rest lik bar and beverage, room division are ok i thought. i luv french lesson the most...we always learn something new and the teacher is engaging most of the time. computer application is another boring class, ohh i hav to bring my laptop to school for that lesson. i was struggling to wake up these few days. my roommate sleep early most of the time and he still skips breakfast. huh...for me i will always rush for breakfast afraid of being late. we hav points deducted for being late or we will juz missed the lesson and have our hours deducted. max of 60 hours, the school would send us to geneva airport...so strict, ohh pity me. there are more rules and regulations in the school, our appearance and bla bla bla. the standard of excellence-is what they enjoy repeating.

droplet of traces

SHENG i luv you haha!!!
i went to sheng de houz to take a disc that he burned for me tat is to be installed on my recently bought laptop.how ar...i dun really know how to make gd use of the comp.ar..is lik wastin money.medical check up again tml...and i m sleepin so late=_=!! 3 or 4years in switzerland, i m goin to misss alot of ppl, especially ppl lik sheng.though we dun really meet up quite frequently, he seems to be always very dependable haha,so loyal man.luv him so much ahhaa.thanx for his company despite the rainy weather.i really appreciate the big and little things tat he hav done for me,his sincerity and evrything bout him...ahhh shengde thanx alot really thank you!!!...ur old classmate cum lovin fren=))

home-sick

i want to get back to indo fast.arghhh...i woke up late todae even though i made an appointment to visit the doctor at 10.teo clinic for children, my last visit there was lik 7 years ago.haha...the doctor actually gave me 3 vaccines,which i dun know wad are they.he was cranky and old enough to grumble bout me rushin him to fill up my form for the medical check up.darn...he lectured me for bein lik a baby...ohhhh...i wish i am he probably neve realise that i m others' baby haha.i lik babies , they are juz as cute and not as innocent as me haha.wahh lao,indeed i tried to rush him, but still he needs me to go back again on wed.there goes my extra 3 days in bintan.huh, i tink adults are funny creatures.i dun see myself as adult.and i dun exactly know who are adults.i was queeuin up for taxi..unfortunately i queeued on the wrong line which was the longest initially, until the guard insisted that we need to requeue...ahhhh...i thought i was smart.this is not the only stupid things that i did.a few days ago...i took the wrong mrt line for the 1st time in my life..sosososo STUPID! hiu fung would be happy to hear tat=Pahh..i m so stressed again..and so sleppy dun know why.watchin korean drama made me cry..my cute little baby inside may die anytime huhhhh.i aso watched another drama this sat..wahh i lik the gal alottttt,she is so crazily pretty haha and of course there is aso my fav actor,one cute hunk haha.i admire metrosexuals...their dress sense and attitude..wahhh...korean guys can dress pretty well unlik spore star who might not even change their clothes frequently when they are actin.hm....i m wanderin as if time doesnt flyand there is no direction...i m givin myself amonth time to look for my compass.yes haha faidi!!! live life to the fullest?a half-filed drink seem to serve better.

dreams of hope

i m not feelin really well today...i tink is due to the lack of slp. clubbin at zouk was again an 'eye openin' experience. but the drinks were so ex....a tiny cup of dun know wad cost lik 10 plus......headache. i wanna slp!
i wanna get high! AGAIN.

we are different

i m juz so pissed with my father for quite some time. haiz...it turn out more to be a disappointment than anger. he simply does not know me well. always, lik wad most elderly would tink...we youngsters do things in a sloppy way. i m not! i know him too well, far beyond his understanding of me. i learnt tat silent works best, there is no point argueing when both of us is stubborn in our own way. indeed, he did feel a little apologetic, gd for me. i bear no grudges...but simply hope to get away from tat akward situation. it juz dun feel rite i guess. family, are they simply another beings tat happen to bump closer to us...or there are exceptional spritual thingin tat bind us as one. i believe in inheritance...the way of life, our behaviours...i started to see myself behavin lik either my mum or dad. however, i will definitely reflect upon my own behaviour tat seems equivalent to theirs. parents are always rite? i dun tink so. when you are young, our innocent minds form tat illusion, as we grow up the perfection we hold for them slowly tear away...it hurts but it is better than to lead a deluding life.but, still no matter wad...my parents are great=ME hee

dreams of hope

my agent phoned me that my acceptance letter to les roches has came.hm...tml i m goin to see what it looks like.haiz...i hav been stayin at home for past 2 days..i m so broke to go anywhere.hav to take money again=(luckily there is korean drama to keep me away from my sianness hahaha.i m watchin wonderful life...not pretty new though, my sis told me tat it was nice to watch.hm...i was quite satisfied these 2 days at home...i hav been exercisin hehe.of course joggin was so tirin...i wanna faint...maybe i need to jog more.my arm was kind of injured these few days...but not today,ha...i woke up feeling good tat i dun hav to stuggle to try to pull up the dumbell.hm...hope my exercise routine will last long...always i will juz stop it as and when i lik...bad bad bad.huh....3 more days to go to meet my parents, they are coming to assist me in the application...thanx godness or i bet i may juz stay in spore for good.

GLORIA and SAMUEL bdae is tomorrow!!! HAPPY BDAE TO TWO OF THEM...MAY SAMUEL HAV HIS GRAND PIANO SOON AND MAY MISS PRAWN LEE CONTINUE TO STAY CRAZY AND CHEERFUL.HAPPY BDAE HAPPY BDAE!!!!!!!!....samuel remember to get me rings from thailand.remember 'manly' haha

wahhhh...actually i kind of enjoy clubbing.haha i lik the loud music and the wawa mood there haha.i tink anyone could get high easily and free themselves.yes... i should go to club more often in the future until i m sian of it. damn damn damn...aaaarrr i was tinkin again if i should have signed for the july intake.too late even if i want to stay in spore now.my mum was telling me to juz go for it.i was so confused and troubled...wadeva it is, i tink i could not reach my final decision, but i pretended evrything will go as smoothly as she thought, hopefuly tat could have comforted her.she will miss me dearly as i would have.tell you wad, i m gonna miss stayin in spore.i miss how childish when i first came, i will miss how i did so well in school hehe, and of course i will have to miss how cute to experience love,friendship, yes not forgettin to miss my wahhh TAf club session,ccas,different from clubbin though.haha lastly i will miss my jc life.muach muach muach...i survived haha and struggled through it waha.capable indeed.jc life was the lowest and highest point of my life up till now.wah...so scary rite, is lik a roller coaster ride....i felt my heart beat so fast at some time and it almost died down at another point of time.life experiences hav neither substitutes nor complement.no firm would charge any price for an exchange, public goods, merit or demerit goods?it depends on the externalities..good or bad....i hope my life experiences would not hav cause a divergence between social cost and tat of my private cost.divergance may be good...if tat of private cost is higher...would anyone accept it?who is so stupid rite...tats y i tink market failure exists.not because it arises from bad effects of consumption or production but rather a social dilemma tat comes from within.thanx to econs.

i hate you!!!

i hav been bloggin but wher the hell my entries went.shit....everything juz bad. i m stressed!!! shitty decision and enough of forcing me to make a choice. i hate hate to stay alive. give a break...maybe i can die for lik a few hours to feel wad is dyin all bout. den i tink i would make a better decision of the steps in life. everything juz went berserk...my head...filled with things tat are redundant and stupid. juz lik how stupid i m. i trust no one and not even myself.

it's after A level! i ought to be more relax than bef. but it seems that i cant enjoy myself that much. my application to the hotel school is givin me lots of problem. so hate it. stayin in spore is turning to be an incentive. i have been goin out for the past 2 days...shopping is fun but can be tirin. huh....i muz remind myself to enjoy=0

dreams of hope

is not the 28 yet.but....

i dun think i could discipline myself well enough
i hav been goin from blog to blog reading wad is in the mind of others, juz another 2 weeks to go.hope everything would be fine.
i feel the sudden urge to talk bout macroeconomics policy. the econs paper ended my 2 year of siew cheng lesson. miss ng was tellin me tat i m a great student and the result will show. oh gosh...wad if the result doesnt show.haha anyway i would not be troubled by it. i still think that wadeva it is the 2 year of studyin econs was a sense of fulfillment. econs would bring back the fond memories of the se7en elitist in class and of course not forgetting our dearest ct ms flowery ng. the tension, excitement and ...many many weird stuff that we all did in class. trying to ask more question when knowin tat ms ng is goin through another part of the hw tat we neve did. borrowin books from other class if we forgot to bring....and not forgetting to look at the dress and shoes tat she would wear on tat day. for a moment , i feel lik pursuing econs in uni.i tghink i hav fallen for econs juz lik ms ng did haha. anyway...i dun think i will be stayin in spore for long. i hav decided to pursue my studies in hotel management in switzerland. i dun think my 2 years of A lvl would be wasted as many would have claimed. i luv bein in nj. i was proud to be part of the college, part of a01 , so8 and the art elective programme. i suppose nj hav given me the most in life. the struggle of me wanting so much to be an njcian, the friendship that fails and continues and the way how art developes me as a person.

i believe the next time i blog everything will come to an end.i am half dead.struggling to remind myself of the date of the exam.i need to get away from too much slp and the computer.go apri apui acai bedai apro!!!.it is time to get motivated.

28th 0f november!!!!THE END

you are neither here or there i plead harbour
a friend or a foe penitence no no
not both your back drudgery
i wish to share red selfish
to share cynical awesome
to share amazing hair
unlikely hatred gay
you will be there
reluctance goodbye
anger your life
past memories scared isolation
i keep

for a moment of time i was so happy tat i wished i could tell my closest friend how happy am i.

i feel isolated out of a sudden.
we come together,we crosspath and soon we become alone.
i miss
reminiscence
the essence of life
people
sealed predominantly in the heart

oh gosh. juz stop looking at me inconspicuously with great displeased.i dun think i will appreaciate ur f* attitude. its me so wad. hate me if u want. though i will forget and forgive, i juz wish to strangle you you at that point of time. i m so sick of some ppl around me. damn! life sucks. please stop makin mine suckier.

wah, princess hours! I haven even hav the chance to watch it. I realise tat Ken Ji is quite cool on stage. today tuitionin was quite enjoyable.hm he seems to get better in maths...of course great teacher here haha. I saw alot of cute capsules at jurong on sat, all the mini version of toys. I wish they all belong to me haha.den i shall not stop admirin them.haiz need to write my own testimonial again.shit... so crappy and a total waste of time.cannot blame the teacher.wads is there to write bout?besides a few similar comments lik pleasant ,helpful, friendly bla bla shit. i dun give much a damn but i hav to...errr how superficial we are.they should stop feeding us with testimonial. it is non-representative of us, i suppose. a lvl alvl... i m thinkin wad should i do after the exam.excited yet anxious....huh i get distracted so easily, tv,comp and shops...wah they are so irresistable. i keep thinkin of wantin to go out. how how!!??? wah lao i meet my ex classmates today,we used to keep in contact via smses. i feel bad for not bein tat friendly.she muz be thinkin tat i hav a weird temper. belajar belajar......acai!!!!!!

The fleeting of time. I m so slack.... I need to get serious. i must do my best. or i wont be happy.aprrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrri.shall not sleep too much=( bad bad bad.

everything seems like it wants to be replayed. I m excited yet disappointed. I know it won't turn out the way it is. I should have given up, given up long ago,but it comes back again..... i just want to be alone, alone so that i would not blame anyone. I dun wish to exploit others which I suppose i have a propensity to do so. I no longer feel comfortable in getting too close to anyone. I m so afraid of closeness. familiarity really breeds contempt. I apologize.

no more tracing for me.
I will miss art block and its atmosphere.
the people, the mess, and the often neglected paintings and other artworks and myspace.....

trace trace trace...some may argue the fact that it involves no skills in creating such a work. I find it otherwise. I realise that in art making, the ability to draw is a basic requirement. drawing has lose its attractiveness. while painting, i think i m still learning how to paint. tracing though seemingly easy might not appear as it is. tracing indeed involves less technical abilities...however it say alot bout my perception of art bein not juz a mere technical paper. juz like the Dadaist believes that everyone can become an artist. art too has reached out its limits of goin beyond a drawing paper and a canvas. the presentation of art and an artist perception of art differ through time. as i always thought it is pointless to tap on a diff task if one can try other alternatives to produce the same effect.in fact, tracing has allow me to accept and consider other media as an exploration. one should not perceive art as whether it is to our dislike or like. being open-minded would expose ourselves to greater acceptance. in life...there is no perfection. i learn to accept any treatment from others, though i might feel oppressed at some point of time. i also realise that the only way to stay happy or unaffected is to believe that at some point of time....no matter wad....there will be people that will treat us equally well as how we treats them.I feel so blessed.blessed with the sweet returns from others.
NJ aep rox!

idlee

i m bad,but who cares...some ppl are juz so bored that i cant stand them for long. i want to be excited and amazed at all times! especially during this period. haiz......i wish everything is over. i want to enjoy life to the fullest....dreams of hope. i m dreaming, dreaming that i could be a successful hotelier. i wanna work in big hotel. then pheng guan could get free membership card haha. OR, may be pheng guan should win toto. den i will have no worries going to cornell if i lik to.

hm... i used to lik to create a surreal landscape, dream-like where i can only see the things that i like.i was dreaming of becoming an architect then.maybe dali and escher are the first few artist i learn to know.their work impressed me.i neve know art exist in such forms.i learn that art could provide a platform for me to generate my likings for great structures.i used to like the ten wonders of the world.most of them are buildings, if i dun remember it wrongly.the time machine somehow also inspired me along the way.
life is beatiful?as i grew up i learn that i live in reality...i face the real sadness and hatred for things.i m so disturb by some things around me.it is no longer surreal.they turned real, somehow they start to disappoint me.it was so complex.surreality enables us to run away from logic.the hatred for rigidness and rules we must obey.juz lik a dream, it happens so coincidentally, without much effort or wanting to dream.creating an artwork may differs, constant struggles is needed to create our dream.dream may not be perceived as real,somehow to you and me it seems to be part of us.we cant deny the fact that our dream has come true...the art work is tangible.it expressed more than what it is-a dreamscape.

lucid dream

i only realise its existence today.30th apriL..time passed...i m grateful to the unknown.can you hear me=))

dreams of hope

we went to singapore biennale openin.mr.lee insisted to gel my hair...not bad though,initially i thought he was makin fun of me.so crappy...he said he can hav another profession haha.there is nothin much to see at the padang, there was a half naked man though.alot of arty ppl were there,artist,angmos....and miss lu.rock music...but not enough to get me high.i like night life...i lik to wonder around till late at night...especially with a group of crazy friends.


friends who are they, i feel that i m losing out in alot of things. my relationship with others, it was bad than i could imagine probably. i m tryin so hard that wadeva ways seem wrong. tired, i m so tired. in life is not about me. i wish it is all bout me. i hate to know ppl that would hurt me. or ppl that would make me hurt myself. i have a bad temper, i m possesive and stubborn. i hate to lose out. i hate ppl looking down at me. i want to prove myself worthy...worthy of myself. i hate ppl who compare me with others. i would like to cherish the presence of others. i would like them to know that they are all special and unique in their own ways. i m too used to hav a big ego. i m sorry if i hav hurt anyone.really sorry. i dun mean to insult anyone. sometimes, the best way is to avoid. only those who understand me deserve my understanding. i suppose everyone deserves....since i hate to choose and make anymore decision. i was reading my journal....i realise how pathetic i m=(

peng iu!!

everyday is a constant struggle.my struggle to stay focus and be happy.i learned alot from ppl around me.i m so envious of them, they are always happy.happy=)

tml, another pe session ...the last pe session was so memorable i guess.si yuan was sayin that a few months has passed and would be our last time to hav free period together.haiz.....so funny that i cant even remember when i start to hav conversation with this noisy guy.ya, he sounds lik a bird.haha but he dislikes me callin him bird.i lik his bubliness and positive attitude towards life.HAHAHA he fails his napfa again.hm.....hopefully he can pass tml, dun give up stupid fool!oh ya.kang wei!!! JIA YOU!though u might not see me tml.happy bdae ziheng=))find a galfriend quick!

a pui!

oh gosh!!!!i wanted to do my compres for homework den i found out that i neve bring them home. i think i should pon gp for the 3rd time.huh...that teacher can be scary.shit shit shit need to think of gd excuse.gd things neve happen.i am so scared of sleeping up late. i m afraid to get sick again...haiz so stressful. A level coming. slacking my way through doing artwork.i wonder how prepared i can be when the days come near.i need to search for school again. arghhhh!so busy.really have no time to waste.i m wondering if i really enjoying it.i m confused.maybe i should wait till i look back...the future tells the story of the past, believe it or not.

sickling

mr lee was rite.he told me i shouldnt stay up till so late.i woke up feelin very tired yesterday,but still i went to skul for the celebration.i thought it was only due to the lack of sleep.after, i found out that i hav headache and i juz cant continue to trace.i took a nap in ar21.kexin was there and some other ppl.she was so sweet of wakin me up and allowin me to slp again after she knew that i wasnt feelin that well.we promised to motivate one another for the art project.later the rest of them insist that i should go home.i refused.as kexin had said, home wasnt exactly home.i enjoyed the company of friends.we ordered mc donalds delivery and i had tea for my drink instead of usual coke light or milo.we played sparkles that gloria's brought from home.and sung our way out of skul like a group of students being possesed by kexin satanic music.haha ...i still hav much energy then.going home alone was such a dreadful journey.it was so bad,i felt that i could faint anytime walking up the hill to my house.i think i need to slp early tonite.i was guilty for not meeting my own set target.i need to finish 6 traces this week!oh goshhhh...time is running out.some time i would find myself prayin hopin to calm myself down.i am too stress perhaps.even yesterday nite, i dreamt that i actually finish the next 19 traces in juz one day.i was so happy.dream was only a dream...i never dare to dream.it brings too much disappointment.i m still findin ways to make myself a better person.i do not want to disappoint myself and the others.acha acha faidi! come on go go go=)

I wasnt tired the day before.i slpt at 4 doin my gp,maths and econs.i m so tired now.feel lik dyin for a moment and live again.my elder sister and grandma are here in sg.i havent paid them a visit.so busy,i wished i had tried my best to cope.i want to be my best and telling pthers that i can do it haha.my tuition kid is doin pretty well so far.he reminds me of a person whom i used to be closed.he has a blur look and the lack of confidence in his character.i enjoy teachin him so far.hopefully i can be a good tuition teacher and motivator, i hope i am not simply teachin him both A and E maths.

i learn to forgive.forgivin others and myself.i know i m rite.

aprooooo

someone is back.rememberin my secondary skul day.i think it was a stupid yet memorable experience.my first crush!i dun know how...or maybe she is juz so beautiful.nothin happen in the end.we remain as friends.and still tryin to keep in contact with each other.time passed,it has been close to two years that we never met.kind of miss that feelin if she is goin to appear again.apro...wad a dumb name lahhh...haiz 'novuck' thats wad i enjoy calling her haha.fashionable gal....ew=P

Dear apri!

tired.somehow i feel being reflected.i miss my other half.i need to be more confident.i need to trust myself that i can.i believe.i still remember how great Fantasia was at the final of American idol.have been looking for her cd and is nowhere to be found.poetraic was interesting... heart was described as a lift.i lost my soul-half dead.a few months to go.i want to reach the end and hopefully i m prepared for a happy ending.

ot na yir pa

i told others i dun need friends.i can be alone and be independent.i dun understand why things happen and why each time i will relate them together.things can be unrelated but i juz have the tendency to link them.i m disappointed...yes i told myself,trying my best wasnt my best.i will neve get wad i deserve or juz the others dun want me to have wad i deserve.y make things so complicated...y cant we human beings live as if we are one...in fact we are.y do we hav to know so much into another person...while you know u dun need to.so many y...yyyyy....i dun want things to turn out that way.i wanna hold that of my own destiny, i wanna choose the life that i want...all i want is you and you are getting further and further........life is hard, i hate to see sadness in the eyes of others.yet, i m jealous to see the smiles in others' faces.it is always good to be optimistic.forgive me! forgiv me! i shall try my best....the best is yet to be=)

in a swing

stayin awake.i need to stress myself.i need stress.time to do some work and not to procrastinate.i would want to believe that something is juz not worth bothering.i m struggling yet i enjoy the process.i know i can fulfill myself as a person of my choice.

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

struggling.i need slp.haiz....i miss my stop for the 1st time in my life.It was quite stupid i thought that i overslpt and missed my stop.argh!!!! tired, tired.everyone is remindin us that prelim is comin.stress! i do feel a little nervous.i hate to do badly in exam, but i think i m too used of gettin bad results.haha.hm....hopefully, as i would always dream that i will do better next time round.hiaz.....art coursework was quite a headache....hm....i still wait....wait for things to happen.i hope it would.then i shall be happy=) is janvin and mr lee bdae tml if i m not wrong.best wishes to mr lee.hope he is not too stressed and to janvin...i m sure others will treat u better if u try ur best.haha.if not den dun bother. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STAY HAPPY ALWAYS=)

dreams of hope

It is always good to trust that miracles do happen. Leading life full of hope and giving ourselves to others. I learn to live as i trust i will.

========

a routine that i would not like to follow. I want something new to spice up my life. Nothing is worth looking forward to. I want so much to go back to indo asap, i know i would not be happy again if i m to return from indo. I miss the living in bintan and the presence of my family.

i cant sleep again.i will miss ''sunday voice''. i have been constantly telling myself not to think too much. i need a break! a long break pls!=(

tired

i m still wondering if i m living a fruitful life. circumstances make me feel and think that are otherwise. shit!wad happen to me.i m so deeply infected. infection...i dun even know wad cause things to turn out tat way. i want so much to be an artist, expressing thoughts through my artworks that seem to have mean something. no one understand art as it is. the act of living itself is juz lik a work of art. decison made changes, trying out of alternatives, puttin it in a suitable space for viewers to see, doing things that is beyond the understanding of others. making an artwork to me can be tiring...so many things to consider....likewise, having to live and making so many decisions of my own. an artwork is similar to a person....artists may know how to interprete an artwork,but they themselves might not even know what the work really means. even the artist producing the work. i come to realisation that i dun even not know myself well enough.
argghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

is vesak day!! i enjoy holidae.i can slp late haha.looking forward to A01 outing tml.

i miss A01 so much...still reminiscing bout the time we had spent during the 1st 3 months in nj. it was short yet so intense. i have never met such a wonderful classmates in my whole life. for the 1st time i feel the warmth of having friends around and not being that anti-social as i might seem to be in the past.
i dun feel that sad leavin the class, i knew such changes are inevitable in life. After all, memories of them will stay with me for the rest of my life. i welcome changes and treasure my past. the time i spent with others is a gift, an invaluable gift.

ke ke blue!

i begin to luv chao ke and his songs...he rox=)

i dreamt. sad, i thought. I feel so helpless....helpless as the friend of others, helpless of being myself.
stagnant....i need to work.

acceptance

i want to go out!i like to shop,i enjoy spending my time talking.staying at home makes me bored.i would choose to slp if i m at home...or listen to radio.i lik to watch tv too.i m so deprived of watching tv.time time time,my time seems to pass faster than i could grab hold of it.i hate to control myself,yet i have too or i m not living in this world,world that only the best will be liked and appreciated.so superficial,yes we are living in this world full of pretences and facade.obligation seems to rule many lives.as much as i dislike obligation,at some point of time i have no choice but to oblige.we oblige because of so many fears,fear of being alone,fear of losin friends,fear of uncertainties ahead etc.for me,i have the fear of myself.the fear of not being able to hav self-control,the fear of losing my self-esteem,the fear of living my life whom i deem as a failure.
i seem to change alot,some are gd yet some are not.i m so confused over the change, i made it happened yet i m so troubled by it.i find myself standin on the fence.i hate being judged by others.to think bout it,i hav never imagined myself bein scolded for things that do not describe me as one.why dun others trust me as i would like to trust them.for this i think i had failed.

menunggu

menunggu hari
menunggu dia
menunggu saya
menunggu........capek ah!
temen ku yang hilang haizzzz

Rust

rustiness.......i should avoid more of this kind.
familiarity breeds contempt.
i read and heard voices.i feel more than others....as if i m hallucinated.

As

i am grateful to those who remember my bdae.

i should avoid thinking too much...thinking......i feel so tired each time.i want a carefree life.A life that only I matters.i hate to let others affect me.I find difficulty controllin my emotions.My absence will be the best medicine..............

heartbeat

i was walking on this lonely path.i promised myself to change for the better.i fell for a flower.yet,i continued my walk....i knew i m right....

i like to think.........i think i suit no one but myself.
used to be.....when you are used to be,you are used.

rap heaL

wahhhhh!!! i lik aristal so much.
i would want to go out...but i have lots of homework this week.damn shit!gp essay....econs..art,haven start any,.....and probability,a sick topic for me.arghhhhh, i have not been doing anything much throughout the week.haiz...so tired.i hav been sleeping too much.....yet i feel even tired.i want to go back...go back.etude is at esplanade.i dun tink i can fake too much now haiz.....hahaha.i wasn't really faking lahhh,is juz that some parts of the songs damn hard lahhh.haiz ,hopefully i can play better for etude this time.yes i think i can lor....but but.still to some ppl i m not tat gd yet.wa laoooo.....bet i need more time and be more serious during each band pract.hahahahaha.and ya come early for band.wah kao...always late...kena fine...but i juz dun wan to pay since i hav cleaned the band roomhaha,or they want me to dance is ok too,since aristal inspires me hahahhahahah.jkin....aaaaaahhhhh cai ah cai...kayanya gua harus rajin dikit deh.sial sial....makin malas aja.ohhh ya......nafa comin lor....haha i will need to attend remedial even if i go on saturdae.lol.i neve past since secondary school i tink.wad a failure!haiz haiz...who cares....i care but,it seems that i care more for other things.soemtimes i juz dun understand,why some ppl no matter how gd my intention was....they will deem it as bad.errhhhh!!!i would want to kick his shitty ass!!sigh again......life is so beautiful...izzit?i suppose so.

ppl...the scariest creatures on earth-me too.

subtle

i hate to offend ppl.no matter wad,i think i m to blame though it might not be all wrong on my part.haiz.....

chance-it remains uncertain
but if u lose it,it will never be back.
somehow we are gd at judging others...but we fail to judge ourselves.things that are nearer to us,we find it harder to judge than that further away from us.closeness may blind us yet many choose to be close.

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pek cek pek cek pek cek..............i can't slp.=(
takut gw....i m so afraid of tml....dih, i dun know wad to do.blj.blj,bosen!arh .....emank there are no other things in life that matter?kangen...kangennn........
the more friends you hav the lonelier u will feel.wher are my soulmates...i seem to lose them.

barcodes=human

apr iL

my feelings for many ppl are ambivalent.past experiences aggravate my situation.each time i look back,i m dissatisfied about the journey that results now.i find myself bein the accumulation of things.big or small,conscious or unconsciously,they pose an influence on me.the journey has to be continued,i like to trace the past.the past looks beautiful in any way.be it a bitter or sweet memories,they seem to follow me as i go on with my life,my best companion in fact.tracing,i hate to find myself not bein able to reminisce the past,though they remain at the back of my subconscious mind.tracin can be tiring,but it often results in me knowing myself better.my act of tracing has yet to teach me more about my relationship with others.up till now i dun really know wad do i mean when i love someone...hate,i might term it as hate but....i dun think any of us deserve to be hated.

=

i think i like wasting time.haiz.....A level,it seems to me that i am not afraid and nervous at all.damn!i look forward to weekend, i hate to wake up early for school.haiz....i m so broke!have been goin out everyweekend.

hm.....sometimes, i lik to be alone.i think of nothing but myself.i feel selfish and guilty.yes,i hav been neglecting some of my friends,and finding them only when i see the need too.i knew probably i hav hurt some of them when i dun wish to, or they can say i can choose not to.choosin, i hate to choose.given a choice, i would want to choose to benefit myself but not others.only when u r selfish,u can protect urself more than others.i cant find balance in things that i do.i dun see the need to have balance.life works other way.wanting is not a choice,is beyond that of a choice.i dun know why i want myself more than others,i dun know when at some point of time,i want others more than myself.

tiny m,e

others enter our life...while some of the others had to leave.my heart has little capacity.

i will try to keep as many.

bedai

i hate to be like like that, yet i choose to
i miss home.

oh!Brothers

i enjoy korean rock and roll at the esplanade.Music has the ability to send us off reality.i dreamt of my friend....how i wished i never had to wake up.

i find myself walking backwards.....loneliness occurs in the crowds.i m addicted.i need others more than myself.

i sYOUee

knowing someone better is learning how to become that someone.

distance obstructs communication
closeness perturbs one's heart
seeing entails a moment of sadness
thinking drives us to madness

How can i describe the kind of friend you are?
It's really hard to know where to start because you are a friend to me in so many different ways.
You are the friend who can tell when i m not fine,evenwhen i say i am,the one who draws me out,not to pry,but because you really care about what i m feeling.
You are the friend who won't hesitate to do something totally goofy just for the sheer pleasure of cracking me up.
You are the friend who remembers the things that i have said.
The one who knows what i worry about and the one i trust with my mostprecious secrets.
You are worth more than a thousand more acquaintances because this adventure call lifewould not be half as fun if i could not share it with you.-linda lee elrod

"""""""

finally my parents gave me an answer.i really anticipate my days in jc to be over.i need a new environment.i want to learn to be myself.i have decided that i m not going to pursue art.art troubles.i hate to think and reflect on things, i m just not prepared or i m just too weak.i want to join the hotel industry,then i may consider taking art again.

=(

happiness i m doubtful.i never knew what it is.i m tired....school sucks.i ought to be stronger...i wish i could.my thought of giving up.i m so afraid.

you will always be my friend because you know too much.

i thought i m the only who feels things differently.SD told me that he too chooses friends as i do.sometimes, the one we really like to be with dun really want to be with us,yet those who try to get close to us seem to be nicer to us.haiz..at times i thought i should juz not friend anyone.but life without friends.......friends?who are my friends?m i someone else friend?why are we friends?things juz got weirder as it goes......haiz i m being rushed again.friends, they need to wait for me.

-.-

this isn't a perfect world and sometimes people learn things the hardway.we do things we can't take back.no matter how hard we try.



i m sorry for causing so much pain
for giving you a reason to doubt how much i care
i m sorry with all my heart
because i do really care-Terry smith

____________

relieved.all i can say.happiness only if it can be shared by many.

open up

i used to think that my act of 'letting go' would show the weak side of me to others.i m determined in the past,i dont give up easily.i believe in doin and makin the best out me.but it seems that i lost too much of that spirits since the start of my jc life.i emphasize the importance of something over another....after reflecting bout my secondary school life,now i find it hard to understand my own decision after entering the college.dropping physics wasn't a simple and impulsive choice of mine.in fact....i do cry over my lost for that subject...though i hate it so much in the past.so many things happened, i thought it is time for me to make another decision again.i suppose i begin to look at things differently.i consoled myself that it is always gd for me to learn how to let go...allowing myself more 'space'.at times,i feel myself suffocating too much that i choose to think more for myself.i can't deny myself being selfish.however i do believe that a self-centred person can be moved by others if sorrounded him the forces were great.i would lik to be the forces of others and i need others too to be the forces that will drive me out of selfishry.but,i realise that it is only possible if i m sincere enough to let others enter.i shall learn to cherish the ppl around me.

numb

i have decide to abandone everything...memories and thoughts that no longer have their values.i ought to learn to control myself and not let others affecting me.i look forward for a new chapter...enough of me embracing the past.i m juz so tired.expectations...i can never find myself in balance with whom i hav much expectations for.it comes to my realisation that i should not expect anything more than wad others can give.

when the heart hurts

i ask myself why i m experiencing that.i get so irritated....i wish i see no one, then i can cry to comfort my own heart.heart,it pumps blood...yet it interferes so much into our feelings and thoughts.my thoughts...why do i hav to think so much when i know it is going to be tough.feelings...i dont like to feel yet i feel more.i find myself resembles that of my heart.havin no heart....i wish i could.then there would not be me.i really hate myself so much that i make life so difficult for myself.life...i dont think mine is pleasant,so i dont feel guilty making it so difficult.i hope for a new life.....i wish and dream for a new life.i see myself fallen into a trap.a trap that i set for myself.

on a balance

i dun know if i makin a rite choice at the moment.i dun care so much bout the consequences.hopefully i wasnt wrong following my heart.

TEARS

when u you feel like giving others happiness and protection...soon we will realised that we need them the most.loving others is because we too need the love from them.

going to school is such a chore.i hate to be alone...yet i wanted to be alone.i just can stand obligations from others, i find myself cheated all the time.i hate seeing others back facing me,while i have to complete the walk on my own.i thought is best to know others better, never would i know that i m so easily affected by them.The feelings others experienced became a reflection of mine.I know others who want to express but something just keeping them back...i wanted to say so much...yet i find it easier to bottle them up.i thought i will be happy by their presence,yet i feel suffocated.i really would want to cry out loud....till i find someone closer to my heart.i am just so reluctant.i knew i would only hurt myself and others again.